Today, I have been thinking about the word “influence”, and it’s been bugging me. Who am I, and how much of what I am today, has been through the influence of others?
Over the past few months, I have been trying to learn as much as possible about myself, and writing has been a great way to put my thoughts on paper, while trying to untangle the mess. What if, I could hit the reset button, and forget everything that I was ever taught in life.
What would I keep? And what would I need to let go of? Why do I think, or act in the way that I do? What is real in life, and what is not real? What is normal, and what is not normal? Who determines, which is which? Who is really sane, and who is insane? And, who really has the right to judge anyone else?
If I look back in my life, at the people that made the biggest influence in my life, what did I really learn from them? I guess that the people in my life, that made the biggest impact, didn’t even realize how much of an impact they really made.
I guess that I’m realizing, how little I actually know about the people in my life, who really made an impact in my life, and how they might have influenced my thoughts in some way.
My mother and father obviously played a huge role in my life. But, I begin to wonder how much of an influence they really had over me, and how it affected the way I am today. As much as I think I know my own mother and father, do I really know them? What did they go through in life, to make them, the people that they are today?
My mother and father got divorced, when I was very young. I think I was about 5 or 6, I’m not really sure. Life is a bit of a blur, as I remember some of the good and the bad, from my past.
And from that age, I bounced around between them, not knowing where I really fitted in. I spent most of my life growing up with my father but also wondered how my life would have turned out if I had grown up with my mother.
If I look back, I still don’t know where I really fit in. Everyone is so busy with their own lives, in their own heads, that most of the time, I feel all alone in the world anyway. Even when I am surrounded by people, I don’t feel like I’m on the same wavelength.
But maybe this is a good thing, and maybe I can learn from this. As an introvert, I have spent most of my life in my own head, trying to figure out life, and what my purpose is. Why was I put on this earth, and what was I meant to do with my time here?
Could my life’s purpose be to help other people, or influence them? How could I influence others, if I don’t really know what true, or not true? At the end of the day, who really knows what is wrong, and what is right?
If I look back, there have been a lot of people that have come and gone in my life. I did a lot of stupid stuff when I was younger while trying to find myself. Nowadays, I hope to have learned from these lessons, and live a more fulfilled, and meaningful life. But have I really learned anything, or have I just come to my own conclusions in life?
I understand that we cant change the past, and that we should live for the moment, and stop worrying about the future so much, as life will just pass us by. But, when you are battling to make a living, you hope that the future will be less stressful in some way. I guess we all hope to find our calling in life.
But then again, am I really battling? With so much poverty, death, and disease in the world, I’m lucky to be healthy, or so I hope, and to have a job, earn a living, and to hopefully be living, a happy and fulfilled life. But why do I still feel so empty?
How much of whats happening around me, has influenced my thoughts? Especially, when you start thinking that life is just an illusion, and no one really knows anything. Everything that we experience in life, is just the thoughts and ideas of others. We all just feed off each other’s thoughts and ideas. What if, everything that we thought was real, and was just an illusion, of what we thought was reality?
I don’t know. I guess everyone is on their own journey in life, to find purpose, meaning, knowledge, and spiritual enlightenment. Who am I, to influence anyone into believing what I have to say, is true? The more I learn about myself, in my journey of self-development, the more questions that I am left with.
I guess I’m back to square one. Maybe, we are not meant to think so deeply. Would I be different, if I wasn’t influenced by others?